Life After College (Post 8)

So here I am at the end of my journey. I’m about to finish my Bachelor’s degree and take stock of who I am and what I will do afterwards. But I don’t see it. I don’t see the person your suppose to be after college or the one thing that is suppose to jump out at you that yells do me for the rest of your life. And that really bothers me because I’m afraid unless I keep pushing on to finish my Master’s degree and keep looking for that one thing, I’ll end up getting swept up in the mob of society and forced into some mediocre job doing something I like just enough to get by that pays just enough not to quit. Somewhere where I lose my ability to take a risk to dream where I simply live and accept what life has given me. I’ve seen so many people where that’s happen to them. People I would have never once believed of being capable of settling and giving up on their dreams. I just can’t imagine it, it seems like the shock of that would be so numbing that it would jolt them back from the brink. But I imagine the loss of one’s dreams is far more insidious. You make a compromise here, a ‘decision’ there that’s for ‘the best’ there… and then it’s only a hop, skip, and jump away from the end. Where one day you’ll get around to that, except it’s always one day and never today. I’m determined for that not to be me, but sometimes I feel so helpless against the wave of necessity that is life. Where you have to have money to survive in a world of practicality that has no time for those who dream of what things may come. They expect you to punch your time card, do your work for eight hours, and punch out on time so they don’t have to pay you overtime. Devoid of any creativity or individualism I would suspect they’d much prefer robots to people. I’m no Marxist and I abhor the ideology, but to a certain extent I do believe Capitalism has sucked the soul of society. And the sad part is nobody noticed.

Finding Faith (Make-up Post 7)

Faith has always been a mystery to me. Considering I wear a cross around my neck that seems ironic. I went to church when I was a child and I was baptized twice, but I feel no overwhelming sense of spirituality. It’s something that has always bothered me because I remember a teacher several years back explaining how he described people without faith. He said they have a hole in themselves so it always feels like their missing something that you can’t fill. Ironic considering that I feel that way when I think about larger things. Like the meaning of life, the impact that I want to have on the big picture, and even something simple like what I want to do for the rest of my life as a career. I’m envious of people who have that true belief in God or whatever their faith dictates simply because I’ve never experienced that. On the same hand though I find myself measuring my reaction through the realization that short of God himself coming down explaining that what they believe is wrong their opinion is completely unshakeable, but that’s faith for you. It’s not meant to be measured, let alone challenged by the material world. Generally though I believe that having true faith isn’t necessary to go to Heaven or the afterlife or whatever is after this world. I honestly believe that good judgment and moral and ethical values can be used as a guide like faith and is some instances even better. That’s the logical side of me talking, where I can reason and measure. Where I can evaluate a situation and attempt to categorize it using some preconceived idea of how someone in a situation would react or should react as society or decency demands. I even tried this spring to reevaluate my own moral and ethical compass, but with little success. Everyone had a different answer and I had great conversations about larger things and ideas that shape the concept of people’s reality, but nothing seemed to stick. LOL, except of course for the idea of the Holy Spirit and of me wearing the cross. Katie explained that the Holy Spirit was influencing me unconsciously and drawing me to wear the cross. I prefer to think that the cross is aesthetically pleasing to the eye and to a certain extent psychologically satisfying to wear, but not in a religious way which seem contrary to my description. Regardless, after much consideration and discussion I have found myself back at the beginning of my original journey where I still don’t feel like I have faith, but I do consider myself a highly moral and ethical individual. I’m hoping that’ll do the trick. That if you generally understand the difference between right and wrong, even from a material sense of the word, and you attempt to live by that sense generally trying to do the best you can by people, you qualify as a good person. That’s what drives me up the wall with faith, it’s so intolerant. There’s no room for doubt or other ideas even if their generally of the same concept. Imagine if you will an afterlife dictated by the beliefs of others, if everyone thought that their way was the right one and all others were flawed even from some misguided sense of right then wouldn’t everyone go to Hell or at least be in doubt of receiving the sanctuary of Heaven because of the error of their way. Thus, it would require that everyone would give up their beliefs and circum to the concept of faith used as the ruler to determine who was eligible for heaven. Whether accomplished through some suppose epiphany upon death or some forced conversion in life it seems that it cheapens the true value of real faith. And with such faith shouldn’t God or whoever realizes its value and understand its influence and development and respect it. Otherwise, doesn’t the sacrifice of that supposed faith, real in every way to the person experiencing it, destroy in some measure the innocence of all faith. Regardless of the dilemma I still find myself searching for some universal truth that I know even if I find I wouldn’t be able to understand. So maybe that’s my faith, the search for universal truth…

Influence of Friends (Make-up Post 6)

I’ve always been a loner. In high school I dropped out in eleventh grade and I made few friends up to that point with no permanent ones being made from junior high or high school. The friends I did make were in elementary schools. Brian I met at Del City elementary school in four grade were we continued to be friends up until I left at the end of fifth grade. I met my other friend Joey I met in Highland Park elementary school in sixth grade. We met on the playground and later we both took up band at recess. Joey continued that on into something more substantial by playing in high school until he decided to stop. We all hung out from junior high on as close friends. We all played dungeons and dragons on the weekend together at New World Games and Comics. We must have walked the streets of Del City until they were worn though back and forth between our houses after the game. Staying out ridiculously late talking and talking and talking. All about nothing of any relevance, but all of it overwhelmingly important enough that we’d stay up talking until the sun came up. I think back and I’m like wow so much has changed from that time which seems more now like a dim memory, but so much hasn’t. I still hang out with Brian and Joey. Although Joey has begun to pull away which bothers me because it feels like I’m losing something important, but I can’t remember precisely what it is. I guess eventually you get use to not having that person around to the point you don’t remember what you did when you were hanging out. Eventually some friends outgrow each other regardless of how you try to stay in contact. I think the most important thing I’ve learned from my friends is how to compromise. I remember I always worked to make sure our friendships were solid and that both of my friends were doing something important. I practically walked Brian through Rose State by forcing him to get up and get enrolled through several semesters. I guess I felt an obligation to ensure both were doing something with their lives and that might be in part why I feel so indifferent to Joey pulling back and doing his own thing. I felt like Joey settled for a crappy factory job loading and unloading trucks. Yeah, he might be a manager, but that’s not what he wanted to do with his life. LOL, I’m actually not sure what he wanted to do, but I’m pretty sure truck loader was not on the list for him. I guess what really bothers me is I can’t pin point an impact that Joey or Brian have made on my life. Meaning either their impact has been so great that I can’t see the big picture, an idea I prefer, or that their impact has made a difference. I just can’t look at anything I do and be like yeah I do that because of this. I feel like I’ve been more influenced by the friends I met at UCO. Katie instilled the seed of faith in something larger in me which she calls the Holy Spirit. Daniel has instilled in me a firm moral compass and has even tested it. Dylan the blind ambition necessary to join any organization to ensure status, but with the thoughtful reflection necessary to make meaningful differences or at least to make the attempt regardless of how corrupt the system is. Jason and Da’Mon taught me that moral high ground is important to maintain and bullheadedness does pay off given enough time :-p Watley taught me do duck during water gun fights. Nathan taught me how to love. All incredible things… Brian maybe how to laugh at inappropriate humor… Joey how to be honest. Maybe I have learned a few things that I don’t quiet realize from my older friends because the changes they made in my life were so long ago that I don’t recognize the new scenery where as the changes that my new friends have brought to me stand out in stark contrast against the familiar background.

Family Thanksgiving? (Make-up Post 5)

Hmm, Thanksgiving. It’s a family holiday that always had mixed results. This Thanksgiving has been strange with my mother in counseling for depression, my father estranged because he’s always been that way, and with my brother going through a possible divorce it really hasn’t left a whole lot of room for family get togethers. I’ve never been quiet able to figure out my mom and why she is the way she is. It just seems like she functions better with space than with people around her. It’s strange when you get to the point in your life where you prefer to be alone that with or around other people. My father is another story all together. Talk about non-caring. He’s completely uninterested in anything with regard to what my mother, brother, or I were doing or going through after my mom separated from him back in second grade. He’s given trickling payments of child support and little if any support except in times of crisis. I would say he says to enjoy if not relish his ability to keep my mom under his financial thumb. Beyond that it seems we simply exchange conversation when we see each other being more like estranged friends meeting awkwardly at random rather than father and son. My brother is a prime example of my father’s behavior and my grandmother’s superficiality. Little if any contact with me or his mother until the day of Thanksgiving, then only a brief appearance with light conversation to acknowledge his existence to his mother so she doesn’t think he’s fallen off the face of the earth. Contact with me non-existent. He was slighted some time ago by my previous boyfriend and made to bear the truth of his self to his wife. I imagine he holds me responsible in some measure to his current state, but I believe sincerely in personal responsibility for actions that you take regardless of reason. I don’t think its something he’ll forgive me for nor do I ask for it. When we do meet its by accident coming and going from my mom’s house as he exchanges a few trite choice words and speeds off to his imagined busyness that prevents him from making real conversation to his brother. Sad considering we have a lot in common on several levels, but we always seems to superficially discuss the happenings of games. I’m not sure what I expected for this Thanksgiving. I didn’t really even think about going over to see my mom and I held off tell sunset until calling her to come over. Stealing over in the night we sat and talked. I ate Turkey of course with gravy, candied carrots, cheese potatoes, rolls, and two slivers of pie. One was pecan the other pumpkin, by far my favorite of all pies. Apparently, to the amazement of my mother, my brother had shown up and had dinner with my mom. They made light discussion, but nothing very personal as he brushed aside any question he didn’t want to answer. My father had then come over after he’d left and ate with my mom. And finally then I came over, with my father walking the dog, and we ate together alone. Its strange having four people at a Thanksgiving dinner and having no more than two people dine at a time. Hopefully next year will change that, but I don’t hold out hope. We seem to be drawn, as a family, inexorably apart and I see little that could correct this in the future, but perhaps one day the holiday of Thanksgiving will deliver its promise of hope and reconciliation. Until then we will continue to dine separately on the day families were meant to sit and break bread.

Matchbox 20 and Atlanta or Bust (Make-up Post 4)

SUNDAY MARCH 2nd MATCHBOX 20 IS COMING TO OKLAHOAMA CITY AT THE FORD CENTER! I WILL BE THERE. LOL. It’s about time they got their butt back together. They were an old band from the Nineties that I discovered after they had broken up and I love their music. I was always hoping they’d get back together. Rob Thomas I guess must have gotten a big head because he became a solo artist and started releasing CDs. They were okay, but I much preferred the music from when they were a band versus his solo albums. I’m planning on going to the concert right before my trip to Atlanta. Which is kind of funny since the last concert I went to see was last year on my trip to Atlanta. I visit a friend out there who use to live in Oklahoma City who works for the Department of Defense. I’m thinking about going to school out in Savannah so I might be able to do some worth while research on my trip into graduate schools. On my last trip to Atlanta I saw Nick Lachey in concert at the Tabernacle. It was a great performance and an interesting concert hall that use to be an old Baptist church. We also got a chance to look around at the Atlanta Aquarium, the CNN Center, and a few other places. All in all it was pretty good, I got a lot of good photos, and I enjoyed myself. I think that’s as much as you could ask for on a vacation. It’ll be nice to get back there and take a look around again and see some of the things I missed. More importantly it’ll be another chance to see my friend Steve. He’s starting to worry me. He’s ballooned to like 300lbs. and it doesn’t seem like he’s going to get his act together. I’m worried he’s going to end up eating himself to death. He’s got sleep apnea so it doesn’t help much that he’s always tired. He munches on snack at work to keep awake, which I think is stupid because he’s eating his way into an early grave, but otherwise if he falls asleep his boss will write him up for loafing. WTF? I guess that’s how the government operates. I guess it goes with the territory because when you’re a cog in a larger machine you can always be changed out for a better one or just one that won’t fall asleep. Either way, it might end up being the last time I see Steve alive and probably the last time I see him for a couple of years. I half wish I could find away to kick start his ass into exercising on a regular basis, but as much as I’d like to help him I have to worry about my future. He’s an independent person and he knows what he has to do to shape up, but that’s always easier said than done. Anyway, with my concert lined up on Sunday March 2nd and my plane trip early morning March 3rd I’m hoping my next vacation will be spectacular. And if everything goes to plan I might even be able to snag an autograph from the band and get myself something I can hang on my wall.

Out with the Old Job, In with the New Job (Make-up Post 3)

Well, I started a new job today. I’m still working at UCO at Central Plaza for housing on weekends too so my schedule is getting crowded. I’m kind of sad because I know that with starting this new job it’ll mean the end to my old job. I’ve worked at the CP for going on three years now and I’ve made a lot of friends I won’t forget. I’m just worried that when I’m not going to be around them on a regular basis I’ll start to lose touch with them. I guess that’s the natural fear you have when you leave a place. Will they remember you? I hope I’ve made an impact in a positive way on the CP, but I won’t hold my breath. LOL and if not at least I have the water gun wars. Housing is one of those jobs that you do that nobody notices. Just like fast food servers or waiters at IHOP. Normally, unless their cute or they do something to piss you off, you never remember them; their just another faceless person among the masses doing some trivial job. I guess in that respect it’s the person that defines the job, not the job that defines the person. Back to my new job… I’ve started working at Dobson Cellular as a loyalty associate. Training was alright because it was in the corporate office and with that being said its sad now much of a difference in stature you feel when your on the bottom wrung going into a entry level job and you train in the building the executives work. The stark difference that pointed out in that way can really suck. We couldn’t even get on the third floor because our ID badges didn’t scan us into the area. Imagine that… A floor where their doing paperwork (if that), where the executives work and we can’t even get access to the bathroom on the same floor. Not to mention the private elevator on the 3rd floor completely separate from the main ones that allows exclusive access to the President’s office. Capitalistic elitism at its finest, after all we wouldn’t want the riff raff employees to mingle with the executives, some work might rub off. But in all other aspects I like my job. I know it’s not promotable because of the fossils in front of me who shouldn’t even be managers, but I think that’s a good thing. It reminds me that this isn’t the job I’m going to have for the rest of my life or even more than two years. It gives me a reason to continue my education and complete my Masters degree in photograph or film studies. And I think that’s more important, the implication that I still have to strive to achieve my dreams and not settle for where I’m at right now. Still the place reminds me of my old job at Client Logic where the pay was good enough to live and the people around you were great to talk to so in that respect, at least for now, I’m happy where I’m at. All considering that’s really the most you could ask for in a job.

Film Festival (Make-up 2)

Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for the Out-OK International Gay Film Festival. For the last few years UCO’s student gay organization, GATE (Gay Alliance for Tolerance and Equality), has helped organize the event in Oklahoma City. This year it seems we had some trouble. Everyone knew when it was and what to expect, it just seems that everybody was sort of busy except for Dr. Macey who ceaselessly has time to help. Which, I know he doesn’t, he’s the chair of the English department, he just knows what’s important and what actually makes a difference and he makes the time for it. I wish more of our members had made an effort this semester to be there. I make no excuses for myself either; I wish I could have made myself more available for the event. I helped out and I did so in a way that did matter, but I was hoping to be completely involved. Next year the entire event might not even be in Oklahoma City if we can’t organize it successfully and within two years the current director will stop having the film festival all together. I’m hoping by that time to be able to take over the event with the help of key members of GATE and actually run it as an annual event either sponsored individually or through the help of GATE as a student organization. Even if this is the last film festival we see in Oklahoma City at least it was a memorable one for me. I had the opportunity to chauffer around two VIPs from a movie we showed, “Holding Trevor.” The director Rosser Goodman and a co-star of the move Eli Kranski, both were wonderful people that actually opened my eyes with the stories on how they got where they were in the world. Both had very similar stories of being at college studying what they wanted to do, but then a point they put everything to the side and said to themselves, “If I want to really do this I need to move to LA and pursue it now.” It sounds crazy and half-backed to me, but it makes a lot of sense. In acting or directing you have to start somewhere and part of that somewhere is where the movies are being made. You just have to get to the point where you realize if I really, REALLY want to do this as a career; I need to make the big decision NOW to make that dream a reality. It reminds me of a quote from T. E. Lawrence, “All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.” I never really understood how true that was until I listened about how both packed their bags, sold nearly all of their possessions, and took a stab at living their dreams in LA. But it still sounds crazy to me just to drop everything like that and move. I don’t even feel independent and until I feel like I have some fiscal structure I’m afraid to even consider moving to an area where there’s no net to catch me if I fall. I will do it though, I think in two years once I have had the chance to save and line up where I want to go to do my master’s I’m going to pursue it and see if I can make my dreams a reality too…

University of Leadership (Make-Up 1)

It never fails to amaze me at the lengths taken by student government or UCO as an institution to avoid an issue of controversial importance. Take for instance the most recent amendment made to the UCOSA student constitution. It calls for the protection of students by disallowing discrimination or bias based on sexual orientation and gender identity. How did student government respond? Well, the senate leadership attempted to kick it into committee and kill the bill. How? By failing to schedule a time for the committee to meet and discuss the bill as the semester came to a close. Only through the direct intervention of Vice President Gage and the impending embarrassment of the Senate President Pro Tempore was the bill forwarded on to the full body. Then, only after a round about spectacle where those opposed lobbed loaded questions at the bill’s author did the bill even get a fair shake with an up or down vote. It passed by over two-thirds majority, the necessary margin needed to send it on to the House of Representatives. Once there it passed unanimously and was sent to the entire student body to vote on its passage. There it passed again by an 80%+ margin easily meeting the requirements to become an official amendment of the UCO student constitution. However, it just needed to make one final stop at UCO’s President’s door. A copy was passed on with the signatures of all the bill’s authors and the student government leadership and the signature so far of the Academic Vice-President. What happens, the Executive Vice-President is given the paper and I visually see him take it. The paper disappears and is never seen from again. The administration circles the wagons and a call is made to the Board of Regents attorney who advised everyone not to sign the amendment. Why? Because it would give recourse to students suing the University if they were discriminated against. Wow, that’s some logic. If we do the right thing someone might call us out if we’re just doing lip service to student dignities. But no, no, we’re the “University of Leadership.” Where we want to be known as the people that step up and make the hard decisions and do the right things. We want to appeal to a diverse range of students and become a division one campus, but we can’t do this. Never mind that ever other major university in Oklahoma has a policy in place about sexual orientation, never mind that we’re competing with them and doing it badly because the administration can’t make the hard decisions and the right stands to actually stand out. We simply lack the fundamental leadership to institute real change because the administration is afraid. Afraid of everything and anything that could threaten their delicate oasis as they attempt to build their university on a sea of sand. Full of hypocrisy, double standards, and fear the future of this university will continue to be one of a third rate hack until we stand up and start practicing the values on which this university was originally founded.